Oprah.com done pissed me off yall

Ok now one of my fans Sophie had told me bout a week ago that I NEED to be on Oprah like NOW and I thought to myself “Kholera, you know what? Sophie right, you need to just contact Oprah directly and tell her its time that Kholera get up on that stage.” So at first I tried Google “Oprah Phone Number” and then “Phone Number Oprah” and then “Oprah Cell Phone” and then “Oprah Email Address” and let me tell yall that shit wasnt gettin me NO WHERE (and if any yall know how to contact Oprah let me know) so I said “fuck it.” Ya girl Kholera went to Oprah.com and signed up for that O Community shit and tried to reach Oprah  in the comment section.

Basically what I wrote was:

“Hey Oprah this ya girl Kholera Jones! I been tellin all my fans on my blog that Im fittin to get up on your show so you can drop some brand new cars on they heads and shit. Now send me some tickets or just call me my phone number 773-928-3083 Im at work till 8 pm but if I see “Oprah” on my caller ID you KNOW Ima pick up that motherfuckin phone cause you my heart, baby! Holla at ya girl!”

And then it said some shit like “we reviewing your comment come back later and see it on the site” and shit. And yall know what? That shit never showed up! Im like what the fuck!? So the way I see it someone or somethin blockin my road to Oprah and riches and fame and shit right now and Kholera cant be havin none of that mess. So let me ask yall:

…Damn yall. Welch’s Grape Juice

Welch’s Grape Juice some shit that blow my motherfuckin mind

This here refreshin ass shit the best I can find

No Hollywood connections, no way Im gettin fired

Twistin cap after cap leave a poor woman tired.

Its a science to gettin famous in this bloggin game and Ima figure this shit out if its the last motherfuckin thing I do.

Okay so I been doin some research and shit and tryin to see what it is that makes these Mom Bloggers so famous cause you know I aint fuckin around with this shit. Its a motherfuckin clock tickin down that started January 1st and my New Years Resolution is get on Oprah and tear that motherfuckin stage up. So Im tryin to peep the demo on how these bloggin ass white girls got so famous and this what I found on just 1 example:

This Dooce bitch did 2 things:

1. She started her shit by talkin about Carnation motherfuckin milk. Now you gotta be fuckin kiddin me. If yall take a look at the beginnin of this blog I started shit off by gettin in a fight with fuckin WordPress thinkin it was tryin to do my bloggin for me. That right there was like a 2 hour battle ya girl Kholera went through just to bring my observations and beauty to the world and shit and this bitch done started her road to fame by talkin a little shit bout Carnation milk. Now keep in mind this skinny ass bitch got on Oprah in the end too.

2. The bitch got herself fired. Now you really gotta be kiddin me. You tellin me to get famous I gotta get myself fired? That aint gonna get me famous thats gonna leave my ass broke with 7 hungry mouths to feed now Kholera may be fresh and beautiful as a summer breeze rollin over a newborns ass but she wasnt born yesterday and I know that gettin myself fired aint gonna do shit but leave me stuck and fucked.

Now I guess that shit worked for that Dooce bitch cause when you white and you add Carnation Milk to gettin fired its like some magical white girl formula or some shit that that just ups and

makes a white blah blah bloggin ass white girl famous as hell. Well that aint how it work for the rest of us especially when you livin in Englewood up in the hood and you aint fuckin Soap Opera stars and shit. So now what Ima do is try to take what worked for that Dooce bitch that I think could work for a real person and try to apply that shit to my blog. So what Im fittin to do is just start this whole motherfuckin blog over now I want yall to pretend this motherfuckin post right here and all the motherfuckin posts before it never even happened and shit its like a brand new beginning  Like its a lovely new bloggin ass day for Kholera where she off to the same kinda start that get a bitch on Oprah. So right with this next post its bout to be a #Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day, lovellyyyy day# (thats some old school Bill Withers right there yall dont know nothin bout that).

Now before Kholera start her blog over I wanna do one more poll cause it aint all about hatin on Dooce I got compassion and shit and just lookin at that girl I kinda worry bout the child so here the set up yall:

This a picture of Dooce right here.

And now:

:

This a picture of me.

Now I know it really aint no competition on who look better cause yall know Dooce aint got no type of booty meat at all like I do but let me ask yall

Ok now here we go. Pretend this next post the beginnin for Kholeras blog like

BLAM KAZAAM!…

The craziest shit just happened its fittin to be a feud yall

Im tellin yall I just cant believe this shit my whole world flipped upside down like a dollar hungry stripper on a pole right now its crazy so listen to this shit.

So yall know Im tryin to get famous and shit right? All my fans who been supportin me so far I love yall and like I said Ima bring each and every one of yall on Oprah the day she give me that call and then she gonna drop some brand new cars on yall heads and yall gonna be glad yall was Kholera fans from the beginnin then. But ANYWAY back to my story.

So Im sittin here today and Im thinkin to myself “Kholera, you know you only been bloggin for bout a month now but what you think would happen if you type your website name into Google? You think you gettin famous yet?” And so Im thinkin that shit to myself when I type “project mommy” into Google and yall know what? I AINT EVEN CLOSE TO MOTHERFUCKING FAMOUS YET CAUSE MY SHIT DONT EVEN SHOW UP ON GOOGLE. But that aint even the worst of it. Guess what else?

Yall guessed it. Its some goof ass white mom bloggin ass girl holdin my motherfuckin site hostage on a Google search. The site is “www.themommyproject.com” but I GUESS she USED to have MY motherfuckin address cause when you  type “Project Mommy” (that’s ME) it aint ME who shows up but HER.

So anyway I get to this girls site who blockin my road to fame and shit read what she talkin bout and you know what it is, its typical shit like “blah blah blah Im decoratin my bedroom blah blah chalkboard paint blah blah shades of gray and some ornate purple with some motherfuckin bold hits of white and this is how you be a bloggin ass white girl” and some shit.

I swear to fuckin GOD I sat there readin this shit and it was like there was violins playin some classical music in the background and shit with this blah blah bloggin ass white girl sittin around a table with her readers at a fuckin “ornate” tea party. So you KNOW what Kholera Jones did, right? I straight told that girl what it WAS!

This the "ornate" tea party that ya girl Kholera busted in on

So anyway now I think its fittin to be a feud and shit between Project Mommy and Mommy Project. Its Kholera vs. That Bloggin Ass White Girl.

I got internet access at the crib now so its all good yall its fittin to be way more Kholera all up in the world now

Shit its been crazy in my life lately cause Benjamin Franklin fell and cracked his damn fool head right after last time I talked to yall actin crazy like he always do doin his little man dance.

Go head, go head.

That Benjamin Franklin in case yall forgot now normally I dont let his little ass be doin his little man dance up on the table like that but that day I was givin him supervision and shit to make sure he wouldnt fall and crack his damn head but you know what happened like 2 weeks ago yall? I was at work and had my girl Trina

This Trina she the one who got me bloggin

watchin my babies cause she my girl and she straight up there for me you know what I mean? Cause it aint easy.

Lord if I had known how hard it would be Id have strapped on a fuckin helmet soon I came out the womb cause its always some shit like bricks straight fallin on a motherfuckers head.

So anyway I had that bitch Trina watchin my babies while I was at work cause Trina aint on shit she dont work she dont do nothin but chill in the crib all day. So Im sayin the least this bitch could do is watch my babies with a little motherfuckin care and make sure Benjamin Franklin dont do his little man dance up on the table without some supervision and shit. So what’s this bitch do?

Yall guessed it. She wasnt payin no attention when BJ got up on the table and then fell off and cracked his damn head. So I had to leave work early and my boss bitch white ass talkin shit to me like he always do talkin bout “you need to plan for these types situations in advance.”

I swear this dumb motherfucker bout made me break my neck sayin some shit bout as stupid as a car accident between two parked cars cause I had to look at him twice “How the fuck Ima plan for an emergency situation in motherfuckin advance when the situation still in the future and aint even happened yet and I aint got no way of predictin the shit? What the fuck I look like Miss Cleo here motherfucker let me pull some tarot cards out my ass and read your motherfuckin future let me see….I predict Kholera gonna beat your motherfuckin ass you say some stupid shit like that one more time and quit this bullshit motherfuckin job ringin up groceries and just walk out the fuckin store.”

So anyway I set his ass straight and went back to the crib and took Benjamin Franklin to the emergency room and he got stitched up and now I got hospital bills on top of all these other fuckin bills to pay and shits even more fucked up then it was before I left work that day. And all cause my girl, my best fuckin friend in this shit close like beans and rice, that dumb ass bitch left my baby unintended when she knew she didnt have but one motherfuckin thing to do all that day: babysit my motherfuckin kids while Im at work tryin to keep food on the motherfuckin table and body and soul together and shit. I swear to God I wanna kill that bitch Trina sometimes.

But then she the one who got me on this bloggin shit and then also a week ago she got me this laptop which I aint even gonna ask her how she got it cause I know she aint have the money to get this shit legit, but anyway she got me this laptop and long story short now I got the internet. Hell motherfuckin yeah thats what Im talkin about. Its gonna be more Kholera in the world now.

#Aint no stoppin me now…Im on the move#

Thats some Mcfadden and Whitehead for all yall white motherfuckers out there who dont know nothin bout that right there thats the jam on some civil rights movement shit and that reminds me it was MLK day the other day so lets all have a moment.  Of respect. For Mr. Martin Luther King yall.

Thats what Im about is progress, yall, we need to see progress in the world and one way to do it is for more african american women of color to get in this blog game no matter where they come from especially if they up in the Ickes Projects ya heard.  So any way the moral of this story is I love my girl Trina she just need to stop bein such a goof ass bitch all the time and then I got 3 tips for yall moms out there to improve shit when it comes to raisin your kids:

1. Dont ever let a bitch like Trina watch your babies while you at work.

2. If you gotta beat your motherfuckin boss ass for givin you a hard time for havin to leave work early to go take care of Benjamin Franklin cause he done cracked his fool head then go head and do it cause aint no job or no boss worth neglecting your motherfuckin kids for.

3. Matter fact just clear all the shit off the kitchen table before you leave for work and flip that bitch over and put it in a corner cause you know Benjamin Franklin gonna try to climb up on that shit and do his little man dance if its there and Trinas dumb ass aint gonna be payin enough attention to stop him so you may as well just be pro active about the shit.

Anyway I gotta be up at 7 in the motherfuckin mornin tmorrrow to get to work and thats in 3 hours from now so I better get my my ass to sleep. So goodnight yall and just because yall readin this shit here Ima remember yall when I get famous and bring yall on Oprah with me and shit and put yall in the audience and then yall gonna thank me when Oprah drop some brand new cars on yall heads.

Love,

Kholera Jones

I’m back yall the library internet access was down for 2 weeks but it back up again now

Hey yall. So I was thinkin, its hard as fuckin HELL doin this mom blog shit cause you gotta walk to the library just to get on the internet and unless you wanna bring all your kids but when you got 7 sometimes you lose track of em and shit. Like the other day Febreeze upped and ran away out the corner store but lucky for me an undercover five oh picked her little ass up and brought her back. Shit its hard as hell not havin no man with 7 kids on top of that shit and workin 2 jobs livin in these projects. I aint got no money for a babysitter neither like yall white moms do, shit yall white moms be havin maids and butlers and husbands on some Daddy Warbucks type shit ya feel me. So here Kholera babysitter problem:

I aint famous yet what the fuck. And its Christmas time, motherfuckers.

Ok I told yall to tell errbody on Facebook and shit about this here Project Mommy thing so I could blow up its been a day now and I aint even heard no one talkin bout this blog shit in the street yet. My name Kholera Jones and my website at  http://projectmommmy.wordpress.com. So what yall still doin here? Click on that link there and READ MY SHIT.

So today Ima talk about somethin very serious, yall.  Im tryin to do this mom blog thing so Im gonna focus on some parent shit for all people and white bitches too.

Kholera Christmas Problem

By Kholera Jones

So I be gettin off work at 6 p.m.  on my job at the grocery store and then at 7 p.m. on my other job on the weekends doin security cause I work 2 jobs cause I got 7 kids, Febreeze, Benjamin Franklin, Godiva, Indonesia, Tsunami, Hypnotiq and Exxon Valdeeze. Thats a lotta fuckin Christmas presents ya feel me? So since yall white bitches seem to have all the answers and shit bout bein a mommy tell me: when yall be workin 7 days a week and gettin off late work and havin to take the bus to the mall to shop for your kids at night, how do yall make sure yall dont get shot or robbed when you gettin back to your hood late at night? Cause that shit worry me sometimes cause it aint no joke up in Englewood late at night and I aint got no choice but to do my Christmas shoppin at night.

Sometimes in my neighborhood it be bullets flyin overhead like somebody just kicked a fuckin hornet’s nest. You better duck or you fucked, Chuck.

So all yall mommy bloggin ass white bitches answer this quiz for Kholera and help solve this Christmas shoppin problem I got: